don't get me wrong.

i love that i have a job.

i love how i go to fix my teeth,

pay my bills,

hang out occasionally at nice restaurants,

and be able to travel to small places here and there.

but maaaaaaaaan. i have to create.


it physically hurts if i don't create for long periods of time. some people have cigarettes, drugs, alcohol whatever vice to cope with emotions and overactive worrying minds. i have art, in different mediums. but sometimes, the day job sucks the energy to where i can't finish things.

2010... finish what i have started and blend it all.

Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave you and destroying your design.

~ Oprah Winfrey

ok... maaaaaaybe i shouldn't be quoting oprah winfrey. but you know, the woman is a multi-billionaire entrepreneur who has helped shaped society and carved out a path where many women of color were not able to walk upon decades ago. so with that said, fine, i shall walk with grace to where i need to be at to fulfill my soul purpose.

because who am i to stop my fullest, or anybody's for that matter, potential.

shine.

when someone told me that i can be a bit controlling, i laughed at the idea. i mean, not just laughed but seriously did the whole scrunch face "pshaaaaw" hand wave away sort of thing.

until i started noticing things about me.

like how i rather be the one driving than the one in the passenger seat.

or that i find it easier to lead than to follow sometimes.

that it takes more effort to listen than to talk with me.

or that i'd rather do things by myself than with a crew of folks.


yes, it is hard for me to let go. to let someone take the wheel, to take lead, to trust.

when things go haywire, i find that there are things beyond your control. you can't stop the night from coming and shortening the day. you can't sway a person's opinion about you. and you can't manipulate some one to feel a certain way about you.

at least that is not the kind of feelings that you want.

but you can take action what you have dictation over. you can force yourself out of bed and make yourself run, no matter how warm your bed is. you can fill your days with friends and laughter to fill the silence. you can take it upon yourself to make yourself create for 2.5 hours a day, ensuring your progression in your craft.

but one of the worst things right now that i can't control in which affects all that i can do, is the act of missing someone.

that's what fucking sucks right now.

at some point, my whistling pot stopped, well, whistling.

and it's unfortunate because while my ADD- ass runs around trying to finish one project after the other, i fail to notice that my water is beyond ready. beyond a comfortable temperature suitable for consumption.

boiling at the point where with normal pots, would be at a screeching pitch. but my pot, stayed silent.

i looked at the pot. nothing seems to be wrong with it. and so rather adding to my already huge carbon foot print, i decided to keep it.

but be mindful.


in which, i realize that i am much like that teapot. i may hold a silent demeanor, but inside, i feel anxious. it gets hard to breathe. it's like i want to just open all the windows, throw out all my paperwork, run through a field until i can run no more and collapse in the middle of a grassy field.

so i'm mindful, to that teapot inside of me. i want something wonderful. i want to embrace it and just breathe it in.

release heat.

be warm...

My fun find of the week is My MiMi, a toy designer and illustrator, mimi, who had started her own small company and is now selling her products worldwide. she is definitely living a dream and i fell in love with her products instantaneously!


Check out these cuuuuuuuuute pillows!
















check her out at http://www.mymimi.com

i can't believe it is the 5th of November. Where the hell did 2009 go? and I have to admit, it has and still is very crazy. The energy swirling this year has both been blessed with triumph as well as socked with heartache. How many celebrities died this year? How many couples broke up? How many beautiful babies were born this year? How many unions have been made?


I'd like to say that i have done a lot this year. I have. But at the same time, I haven't done much as well. I had this weird artist block for a good number of months. I started questioning the skills. I guess I got too comfy at the day job, and so focused with painting that i let the other skill slip just a tad. I thought the years meant that you build your arsenal of knowledge.


well, it is. and the one hump i had to get over is fear and all of its different forms, which includes insecurity.


there is something unnerving about always showing the tickings of your heart. when you are an artist, ideally you write, compose, paint, draw, design, what is inside of you. it's not all about pleasing the masses or making a dollar. sure i would love to live off my art but at the same time, how much of your process, your life experiences, your joy as well as your healing can even have a monetary value? it's all balance i guess.


well, in case you are wondering, i am painting still.. and i am designing again. and i am expressing positive emotions such as love, determination, and compassion. trying to put the warrior in me aside.. not in the back burner, but next to me so that we can make more beautiful magic.

Aesop Rock is down with Jeremy Fish

dopeness

"These sneakers are so dang girly, instead of insoles, they have sanitary pads."- Manila Ryce






a friend of mine gave me three Nike sneakers to freak - one being his, one being his friend's, and one being for my self. he also lent me paint to paint the sneakers how ever way i want to paint them.



and how it often happens, i froze.



i work well under pressure. often times TOO well. to the point that the only way i can get shit done is to light a fire underneath my ass fueled by stress and catalyzed by procrastination.



but as i was thinking (and affirming) to myself last night, time is too damn precious and valuable to be procrastinating and sit in a pool of fear. i can't say i am scared of a lot of things, but the one thing that scares me is not being able to do all the things i want to do with this life. i don't want to wait around. i don't want to have the attitude that i deserve something and that it should be handed down to me. i don't want to keep saying "tomorrow." i don't make excuses and i don't take them either.


but like art making, and writing, and working out, and with everything, it is all a process... and i need to learn how to love it.